Daphne Ledward, Garden Planner, Gardener, Author and Broadcaster

Muffin's Blog

Muffin Tries Cosmetic Surgery    by Mr Muffin

January 2011

Mr Paddidog said to me the other day, “Hasn’t Daff got a lot of metal in her ears?”

I must admit I hadn’t noticed till then, but yes, she does have a lot of ironwork, or perhaps it’s gold-work (if there is such a word).

He thought about it for a while, then asked, “Do you think earrings would suit me?”

“I don’t think dogs wear earrings,” I told him, “at least, not real dogs, maybe fluffy little things carried round in handbags, perhaps, but not genuine ones like us.   And certainly not boys.

“Daff’s friend Geoff wears an earring,” he said thoughtfully.

“Geoff’s a grown up,” I said, “and he’s her editor at the moment, so he’s entitled to.”

“Where would I get an earring?” he asked me then.   I told him I hadn’t got the foggiest idea.

“Would I get one in Spalding, d’you think?”

“How on earth would you get to Spalding?”   I demanded.

“Walk,” he said.

“You can’t do that, you’d be in terrible trouble if you ran off!” I gasped.

He went quiet for a while, then said, “I suppose you wouldn’t do it for me, would you?”

So that’s why I ended up having to bite his ear.   It was not, as I have been accused, because he stood on my bed when I was in it.

Anyway, my piercing didn’t work at all well, cos he pulled away when my teeth made contact with his flap, leaving him with a big tear that wouldn’t ever have been suitable for an earring.

The good thing was, it encouraged Daff to spring clean the dining room – walls, floor, ceiling, furniture, curtains, the lot.   It looks so much better now, though I wouldn’t say it to Daff’s face cos she thinks it’s always clean in there.

The bad thing was, it wouldn’t stop bleeding and I must confess it did look a bit ragged, but nothing that an afternoon at the vet’s and a bill for £190 wouldn’t put right.

He arrived home with a big, blue bandage all round his head.   It made him snore constantly for two days and put him off his food.   How we dogs laughed!

He’s OK now.   He’s nearly got what he wanted, admittedly not an earring but a nice edging of blanket stitch which will last for several months – long enough for him to give up any more ideas of cosmetic surgery.

I think it’s very mean that this bill has been added to the one I ran up for giving him a little nip last summer, which means it’s unlikely I will ever get gravy bones again.   It’s so unfair, when all I was doing was what he wanted.  (And if you believe this story, you’ll believe anything! – Ed.)

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